Monday, March 21, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
I've had it people!
I want start this off by first saying that I love my husband and my children! With that said....let me say what I really want to say before my brain literally snaps! Can I just ask, "What the hell is wrong with men?" For the past 5 years I have been with my husband. I have gotten up every morning and taken him to work....picked him up every afternoon....cooked and cleaned for him...washed, scratched, and massaged his back....gave him 2 healthy children....we have not spent a single day apart in 5 years. Besides him going to work or me going somewhere by myself we are together. He has not one time left me to go hang out with a friend.....and trust me I have tried to get him out there! I just don't get it!
Before I met him you see I was working and doing my own thing...partying...a lot. Doing pretty much whatever I wanted. I had tons of friends to go and visit or that would come visit me. i have really never had to answer to anyone. From age 6 or 7 I was completely able to care for myself. When I wanted to do something I did it. I did not always make the right choices...I admit that. That is just part of learning! But the day I met my husband that all changed, and I was happy...so very happy. To have something once again that was mine. Someone who loved me and wanted to be there with me. I changed nearly everything for him. Stopped hanging out with most of my friends, stopped visiting family. Guess it is time to tell you that we are a mixed couple if you did not already know that.
Not that we had to stop seeing everyone because of that, it just made it easier, plus we were spending a lot of time together. When I found out I was pregnant with our first child it was roughly 6 months after we had met....we were engaged but not yet married. That happened 6 months after Mika was born, but the journey was a little rocky. I was starting to worry and stress. I was an only child, my mom was really not there, I was always by myself or with friends I did not know if I could be a wife and a mother, but I knew I had no choice but to give it a try. We got married had a great few months with our beautiful daughter when I found out that i was pregnant again. So here I am 1 yr and a half into our relationship 4 months into our marriage and now we have another one on the way. Now we were doing good. We did not need help from anyone, our kids had more than everything they needed. We did not have to ask for help with diapers or food, we were great parents. But I was still worried.
Everything was going great...we were the perfect happy family. ( Besides all of my invisible worrying) House...1 year old...8 months pregnant...then bam! Found out my husband had been messing around with a woman or 2 or 3 at work. Not physically from what I know, but the rundown is for months they were texting each other, and not just texting while at work...he would spend and hour int he bathroom pretending to be shitting so that he could take naked pictures of himself and send them to her. This was all on the camera phone that he wanted so bad that I bought him for fathers day. Now remember I am 23 years old with a 1 year old and 8 months pregnant. And I had been taking him to and from work everyday. Getting up at 4:30 in the morning and loading the baby up to take him to be with her.
Now I was not clueless...I had noticed them walking out close together for a while. I would ask who she was..he would say he did not know. Then there was him spending all of that time in the bathroom. Come to find out that not only did they know each other but they had been working together for 2 years. She is his sewer at work. How funny is that. it took everything I had not to leave that night. You know I had to get up and take him to work the next morning with the baby and watch that woman walk past my car. It has been 3 years since that night and I still get up every morning and take him to work and watch that woman walk past my car...wondering but never knowing if I am a complete fucking idiot? I swear to you my heart rips out of my chest every morning. But i am suppose to be happy, and be a mother, and get my career going, oh did I mention on top of dealing with all of this I also managed to get a Associates degree in Website development In 2 years with a 3.8 GPA.
Do you know after all this shit I go through for this man, I can not even walk outside and play in the yard with the kids without him accusing me of being out there to stare at the neighbors. I am only writing all of this because I know there is no one left reading at this point. Anyways. Every time I leave the house he jumps on the computer to check all of my accounts to see who I have been taking to. But the nieghbors thing kills me, he is convinced that either I want to fuck them or they want to fuck me. It is funny because I have only talked to those people like 3 times int he year that we have lived here. Once their dog came in my yard and I grabbed it for them, once when they helped my step dad get unstuck from the snow (because my husband was standing there watching but not coming to help.) if you see your wife and her mother outside in the ice and snow trying to push a truck, wouldn't you go help? It is not my fault that they were outside and were nice enough to give us a hand!
I am about to loose it, I need a job but can't get one due to the fact that I am his only ride to and from work. with the economy if I go into an interview and say I can only be here this time till this time, I'm screwed. So I am trying to start my company which is websites and graphics but he is always complaining about me being on the computer, thinking I am talking to my ex and shit. So what do I do? I sit home bored out of my mind, get lost in the computer and cleaning and the kids. But for a person with ADD and extreme depression and anxiety. It is killing me, really. I need to be doing something...I need to talk to people.....I need to be creative and spontaneous...that is just me.
How can I do all of this and go through all of this for a man that thinks I am fucking everyone that walks around here? Why don't I just pack my shit up and go? Why don't I find someone better? I love him...I have no where to go but to my moms and that won't happen...I promised myself that my kids childhood would not be as mine was. Whatever what does it matter....no one ever listens to what I have to say anyway. That is why I have book bags and boxes full of thoughts that no one has ever heard. It's ok though I know I am great! When I am gone they will all know it too!
Before I met him you see I was working and doing my own thing...partying...a lot. Doing pretty much whatever I wanted. I had tons of friends to go and visit or that would come visit me. i have really never had to answer to anyone. From age 6 or 7 I was completely able to care for myself. When I wanted to do something I did it. I did not always make the right choices...I admit that. That is just part of learning! But the day I met my husband that all changed, and I was happy...so very happy. To have something once again that was mine. Someone who loved me and wanted to be there with me. I changed nearly everything for him. Stopped hanging out with most of my friends, stopped visiting family. Guess it is time to tell you that we are a mixed couple if you did not already know that.
Not that we had to stop seeing everyone because of that, it just made it easier, plus we were spending a lot of time together. When I found out I was pregnant with our first child it was roughly 6 months after we had met....we were engaged but not yet married. That happened 6 months after Mika was born, but the journey was a little rocky. I was starting to worry and stress. I was an only child, my mom was really not there, I was always by myself or with friends I did not know if I could be a wife and a mother, but I knew I had no choice but to give it a try. We got married had a great few months with our beautiful daughter when I found out that i was pregnant again. So here I am 1 yr and a half into our relationship 4 months into our marriage and now we have another one on the way. Now we were doing good. We did not need help from anyone, our kids had more than everything they needed. We did not have to ask for help with diapers or food, we were great parents. But I was still worried.
Everything was going great...we were the perfect happy family. ( Besides all of my invisible worrying) House...1 year old...8 months pregnant...then bam! Found out my husband had been messing around with a woman or 2 or 3 at work. Not physically from what I know, but the rundown is for months they were texting each other, and not just texting while at work...he would spend and hour int he bathroom pretending to be shitting so that he could take naked pictures of himself and send them to her. This was all on the camera phone that he wanted so bad that I bought him for fathers day. Now remember I am 23 years old with a 1 year old and 8 months pregnant. And I had been taking him to and from work everyday. Getting up at 4:30 in the morning and loading the baby up to take him to be with her.
Now I was not clueless...I had noticed them walking out close together for a while. I would ask who she was..he would say he did not know. Then there was him spending all of that time in the bathroom. Come to find out that not only did they know each other but they had been working together for 2 years. She is his sewer at work. How funny is that. it took everything I had not to leave that night. You know I had to get up and take him to work the next morning with the baby and watch that woman walk past my car. It has been 3 years since that night and I still get up every morning and take him to work and watch that woman walk past my car...wondering but never knowing if I am a complete fucking idiot? I swear to you my heart rips out of my chest every morning. But i am suppose to be happy, and be a mother, and get my career going, oh did I mention on top of dealing with all of this I also managed to get a Associates degree in Website development In 2 years with a 3.8 GPA.
Do you know after all this shit I go through for this man, I can not even walk outside and play in the yard with the kids without him accusing me of being out there to stare at the neighbors. I am only writing all of this because I know there is no one left reading at this point. Anyways. Every time I leave the house he jumps on the computer to check all of my accounts to see who I have been taking to. But the nieghbors thing kills me, he is convinced that either I want to fuck them or they want to fuck me. It is funny because I have only talked to those people like 3 times int he year that we have lived here. Once their dog came in my yard and I grabbed it for them, once when they helped my step dad get unstuck from the snow (because my husband was standing there watching but not coming to help.) if you see your wife and her mother outside in the ice and snow trying to push a truck, wouldn't you go help? It is not my fault that they were outside and were nice enough to give us a hand!
I am about to loose it, I need a job but can't get one due to the fact that I am his only ride to and from work. with the economy if I go into an interview and say I can only be here this time till this time, I'm screwed. So I am trying to start my company which is websites and graphics but he is always complaining about me being on the computer, thinking I am talking to my ex and shit. So what do I do? I sit home bored out of my mind, get lost in the computer and cleaning and the kids. But for a person with ADD and extreme depression and anxiety. It is killing me, really. I need to be doing something...I need to talk to people.....I need to be creative and spontaneous...that is just me.
How can I do all of this and go through all of this for a man that thinks I am fucking everyone that walks around here? Why don't I just pack my shit up and go? Why don't I find someone better? I love him...I have no where to go but to my moms and that won't happen...I promised myself that my kids childhood would not be as mine was. Whatever what does it matter....no one ever listens to what I have to say anyway. That is why I have book bags and boxes full of thoughts that no one has ever heard. It's ok though I know I am great! When I am gone they will all know it too!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Mika's First Day of School
So my oldest daughter (age 4), Mikaiya starts her first day of Head Start tomorrow, and I am freaking out about it. Know one knows this, but I know this! She has only ever stayed at my moms or my dads house, never away with people she does not know. I have trust issues when it comes to my kids, the way I see it, nothing can go wrong if I am there to prevent it. I know that is fucked up but who cares, this is my blog! I am excited for her because I know she is ready and excited about going, she can't wait to meet new friends and all that jazz. It is going to be awesome......for her. I am going to worry myself to death, hopefully I can get use to her being away from me all day, I still have Jr. (age 2) to keep me company.
I can not wai tto see how they act oce they are separated. Jr. is going to love it. He is such a momma's boy, he is going to love the one on one time with mommy. Mika is already asking if he can come to school with her though, and he is gonna get bored being with me all the time.
My hopes for tomorrow are that I get no calls from the school, she comes home happy, and that she wants to go back the next day. That is all I can hope for I guess. Oh yeah, and for her to say mommy I missed you when I pick her up, I think that would make it a successful first day. We will see what happens and how it goes. I know one thing is for sure I am going to be a complete basket case by the time I pick her up tomorrow! Have a wonderful evening.
I can not wai tto see how they act oce they are separated. Jr. is going to love it. He is such a momma's boy, he is going to love the one on one time with mommy. Mika is already asking if he can come to school with her though, and he is gonna get bored being with me all the time.
My hopes for tomorrow are that I get no calls from the school, she comes home happy, and that she wants to go back the next day. That is all I can hope for I guess. Oh yeah, and for her to say mommy I missed you when I pick her up, I think that would make it a successful first day. We will see what happens and how it goes. I know one thing is for sure I am going to be a complete basket case by the time I pick her up tomorrow! Have a wonderful evening.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Love me or Hate me, It is all the same to me!
This is my first post and I am sure to offend. Not necessarily my goal, but inevitable none the less. I guess you can say I have a pretty fucked way of looking at life. I see all the good and the bad, where as other choose to only see the good and live in this fantasy world where all is as it seems. I consider myself to be a very smart and misunderstood person. Certain persons believe that because I do not stick up for myself or seemingly let someone walk over me that I am a weak person. I pick and choose my battles and just because I allow you to believe that you are better than me does not make it so. I have learned in my 27 years on this earth that I am here to please one person and that is myself. I allow certain persons the opportunity to think they hurt me not because I am weak, but because I know that karma is a bitch and those who hurt me are going to be the weak ones, not myself. When it comes back on you, you will regret all. There once was a time when I acted out carelessly, do i regret it? NO. But did I learn form it? ABSOLUTELY! Can I say the same for a majority of the people I have met in my life? No! Sometimes it pisses me off when people just do not get the easy stuff. You know, treat others how you would like to be treated, do not kill, do not judge, clean your house, take care of your kids, and recycle, the simple common sense shit that everyone should know from birth. Really makes me want to smack people, but that I can not do, for I have made a vow in my life to never intentionally cause another being harm and this I will stick to.
There is one other issue that really grips my ass, and that is liars! I can not stand them and do not need them in my life. If you are not man nor woman enough to tell me the truth, then do not even open your mouth to me. i promise to show you the same courtesy!For those who do not understand this means.....If you do not feel like coming by the house, say so. Do not make up some shit like you are sick or you have to do this or that. Grow a pair and say I do not want to come by. Another example, you wanna fuck, but you also wanna fuck everyone else too, tell me that. Do not go all out and say that you love me and only me. Does not mean you are still gonna get it, but the honesty is still amusing. Oh by the way I never said my blog post were going to be nice, so if you can not handle this, I suggest you get out now. IF you are cool, then let me personally thank you for your maturity.
OK, so for those of you who are still here with me. I consider myself to be a very hard worker. If I am given a task, it will be completed in the most efficient and precise way as possible. I am not satisfied with less than par work and no I do not like golf.I have always been above average in every aspect of mental capability, and yes I am proud of that. I am also proud of the fact that I have 2 children who have inherited my smart-ass genes. While I pride myself in the knowledge that I have, I in no way think of myself as a genius. I am no good in chemistry and rocket science stuff. Have never claimed to want to be an astronaut but I know what I need to know about this earth and the space that surrounds it. I am no whiz when it comes to physics, but I know all about cause and effect. I will be the first person to tell you if I do not know something. I had rather look less smart than be a dumb ass for supporting the wrong answers. And to those of you who offend your causes and answers to the death even when you know you are wrong, just because you are too good to say you are wrong, well you are idiots! It is time for some of you guys to wake the fuck up, grow the fuck up, and smarten the fuck up. No I am not perfect, But I am not afraid to admit my faults, learn from them, and become a better person in the end.
That is all I have to say for now but you can be sure that I will be back, posting more shit that is guaranteed to piss off a few people. Hope you enjoy my babbling!
There is one other issue that really grips my ass, and that is liars! I can not stand them and do not need them in my life. If you are not man nor woman enough to tell me the truth, then do not even open your mouth to me. i promise to show you the same courtesy!For those who do not understand this means.....If you do not feel like coming by the house, say so. Do not make up some shit like you are sick or you have to do this or that. Grow a pair and say I do not want to come by. Another example, you wanna fuck, but you also wanna fuck everyone else too, tell me that. Do not go all out and say that you love me and only me. Does not mean you are still gonna get it, but the honesty is still amusing. Oh by the way I never said my blog post were going to be nice, so if you can not handle this, I suggest you get out now. IF you are cool, then let me personally thank you for your maturity.
OK, so for those of you who are still here with me. I consider myself to be a very hard worker. If I am given a task, it will be completed in the most efficient and precise way as possible. I am not satisfied with less than par work and no I do not like golf.I have always been above average in every aspect of mental capability, and yes I am proud of that. I am also proud of the fact that I have 2 children who have inherited my smart-ass genes. While I pride myself in the knowledge that I have, I in no way think of myself as a genius. I am no good in chemistry and rocket science stuff. Have never claimed to want to be an astronaut but I know what I need to know about this earth and the space that surrounds it. I am no whiz when it comes to physics, but I know all about cause and effect. I will be the first person to tell you if I do not know something. I had rather look less smart than be a dumb ass for supporting the wrong answers. And to those of you who offend your causes and answers to the death even when you know you are wrong, just because you are too good to say you are wrong, well you are idiots! It is time for some of you guys to wake the fuck up, grow the fuck up, and smarten the fuck up. No I am not perfect, But I am not afraid to admit my faults, learn from them, and become a better person in the end.
That is all I have to say for now but you can be sure that I will be back, posting more shit that is guaranteed to piss off a few people. Hope you enjoy my babbling!
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